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Sent to a friend I'm so caught up with controlling what people think of me that no one really knows who I am. People think that I'm just a fun, popular girl everyone can trust. They don't know that I'm broken and I don't know why. I have a great life but I'm not happy with it, and I don't know why and that scares the hell out of me. They don't know that I can't stand my family because I'm terrified I'll end up like them, stuck in completely unremarkable lifes. They think I have relationships totally worked out, and that I'm a total party girl, but they don't know that I can't bring myself to trust anyone enough to sleep with them. They don't know that sometimes I exaggerate how ill I am just to see if people care. They don't know that I've tried to kill myself. They don't know that I feel so guilty that one of our friends hung herself in March, because I've been in that place and I could have stopped her if I'd just thought about it for a minute. They don't know that I know the real reason she did it. They don't know it was because she had an abortion a year earlier. They don't realise she was screaming for help and no one noticed. They don't realise that I've made myself try so hard to, but I can't promise myself that I wouldn't ever do the same. They don't realise i got as far as having a noose round my neck. They don't realise that sometimes I feel like if I don't get away from my own life somehow it's going to kill me. Basically they think I'm the one that knows what she's doing and knows how to sort anything, that they can ask me anything and I'll have the answer to it, but really I'm just as f***ed up as everyone else. But I know life is a gift meant to be lived, however messed up it gets, however long it lasts or how it ends. And I intend to live mine. And I'll love every twisted, deluded, painful moment of it.Posted 2 years ago
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